Unrealistic Expectations In Friendship

Often, we believe that others ought to treat us the way we want them to respond. We may tend to put a relationship on a pedestal expecting more from an interpersonal relationship than it can deliver. Then when others fail to meet our expectations, we feel betrayed, frustrated, and resentful


We may expect a great deal from others because we are dependent. We may lack confidence and rely on others to fill the void of our unsatisfied needs. Our demands of others may become overwhelming as we pursue and then watch as our friends back-peddle in reaction to our needs. As our friends pull away we project our own desire for wholeness in an emotionally dependent manner and a cycle of pursuing and distancing is created

When we expect too much from others, we are generally self-critical as well. The part of us that is self-critical is a remnant from childhood that typically represents the echo of one of our parents. The inner critic is the judge and jury of our behavior. It is the part of us that is filled with mandates such as, "you ought to", "you must", "how could you", "why didn't you." and so on. Often, instead of taking control of our critic, we project it onto others and make friends feel defective. We may use the same critical terminology on our friends that our parents used on us. It is always a good thing to take responsibility for our critic. We must listen to it, understand its history, and learn to give up its demands. Then we can approach our friendships with realistic expectations.


Having realistic expectations for others involves realizing that all of us are less than perfect. Instead of looking to others to meet our needs, we must take responsibility for our own life and make necessary changes that are in our best interest. We must leave our self-blame behind and find ways to untwist our thinking and behavior to make our lives more fulfilling. It is important to value and accept our partners and friends for who they are. It is in our best interest not to spend our energy trying to change them to fit an image of what we believe we need and what they can provide for us.